Naked and Drunk
fireflies and humidity

My sister dropped me off at the airport and I stood in lines for about an hour or so in total. I only barely made my flight but was lucky enough to get an aisle seat. I felt a rush of fear and panic go through my entire body before the plane started moving. I texted my partner and told her how scared I was. The feeling passed quickly thankfully and we rose into the sky. The kid sitting next to me was a little ways into his teens and wouldn’t stop dancing with his hands to his (presumably classical) music. I simply listened to my audio book and played my gameboy. We floated above a few states for a while before touching down in Denver.


I got off the plane, peed, found my gate, and got on a few seconds after the final boarding call. I was placed (sternly) in the closest seat so we could take off as soon as possible. This seat happened to be between two rather large people discussing some sport I knew nothing about. They discussed around me for a few more sentences and points until my face and torso seemed to stop the conversation. I was told to place my carry on bag into the overhead compartment a few rows back, where I found an empty seat directly underneath it. I sighed and decided not to cause them to shout at me and return to my squished seat between the two sports fans. What followed was an uncomfortable hour and a half of touching thighs and shoulders with the people beside me and again staring down into my gameboy attempting to vanquish my enemies. As we began our descent the Texan captain told us it was a nice 70 something degrees outside and I was excited for cooler temperatures than San Jose. I watched hundreds of lakes rush past below me as we got closer to the ground. I thought “Hm. is Minnesota the land of 10,000 lakes?” but thought it better to keep my questions to myself.


I found my luggage, stepped outside and realized that I knew nothing of humidity before that moment, I then found my rental car and began my drive to Menomonie, Wisconsin. I drove past lakes and more green fields than I thought to be proper for summer. I arrived at her address a bit before she did. She was at an appointment and would be home soon. She left the door unlocked for me. I placed my bags inside and found a coffee shop. I sat around for some time. Admiring the kindness of the employees and smiling at the realization of how far away from home I was, and how close I was too.


I walked back to their apartment and saw her. Standing on her front step wearing a floral dress and silver slip-on shoes. We locked eyes and each began to smile uncontrollably and cover our mouths. I kept walking casually but as soon as she began to run my way I began to run as well. We embraced and kissed each others cheeks and hugged some more. With tears in her eyes she told me how happy she was and I apologized for taking so long to come here.


We made our way into her place. It’s the upstairs of a duplex. She shows me around a bit and then we sit on the couch for a while. Just holding one another and smiling a lot. We ended up making out after some time and continued for some time until we decided to go on a walk around Menomonie. We ended up walking a trail that wrapped around a section of the lake bordering the town, Lake Menomin. I took some pictures and we just breathed in each other.

The next few days were calm. She left for school early in the morning for a few days and I mostly stayed inside watching cartoons on my laptop. I occasionally wandered around the town. When she came home from school we essentially did the same things. We leisurly spent our days meandering around her apartment and Menomonie. It was very pleasant and I was (and still am to be honest) surprised at how calm I was. No panic attacks had occurred yet.

We had sex my first night there. She gently brought me to orgasm and we both laughed and bit our lips; excited for when Kelly (her roommate) would not be home and we could discover one another some more. And she left, we did.

After a few days her parents were insisting I should come down to their home and meet the family as we had agreed would happen while I was there. Hesitant as always I told Oliver to tell them “hopefully” and “maybe”  in case I were to have an attack and be too fearful for anything more than bed. That day Oliver, Kelly, and myself all went down to the “beach”, as they called it. The beach I know of in my home of California involves the ocean, theirs was a riverbank. I enjoyed myself all the same. The current was strong, mostly we walked up the river to float down and sat in the shallows to keep ourselves from being swept away downstream. As they both entered the river they were shivering, voicing their discomfort about the low temprerature of the river. I dove under quite quickly, accustomed to the cold Pacific, this river was rather warm.

We brought a change of clothes and beside the car we got into our “meeting the parents clothing”. As we drove the hour or so drive to her parents house I put on a comedy cd to keep the mood light and not dwell on my nerves about meeting her family. We laughed at the stories and jokes and she gave me soft kisses on my cheek as we drove down the highway.

horses

fireflies

hanging out

kelly

the river

driving

alma with family train and rock house

subway and pickles

hang outs and nice houses and swimming more fireflies and sex and make outs and yeah shpping that one day

1. Push yourself to get up before the rest of the world — start with 7 a.m., then 6 a.m., then 5:30 a.m. Go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sunrise.

2. Push yourself to fall asleep earlier — start with 11 p.m., then 10 p.m., then 9 p.m. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

3. Erase processed food from your diet. Start with no candy, chips, cookies, then erase pasta, rice, cereal and then bread. Use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. Get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. Fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. Sit and eat while doing absolutely nothing else.

5. Stretch. Start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. Roll your head, stretch your fingers, stretch everything.

6. Buy a 1L water bottle. Start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. Buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. Write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. No detail is too small.

8. Strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear drawer into the washing machine. Put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash everything. Then make your bed in full.

9. Organize your room. Fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor and light a beautiful candle.

10. Have a luxurious shower with your favorite music playing. Wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. Lather your whole body in moisturizer, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs and the back of your neck.

11. Push yourself to go for a walk. Take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. Smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. Bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. Realize how much you can learn from your dog.

12. Message old friends with personal jokes. Reminisce. Suggest a movie or sushi date soon, even if you don’t usually follow through, push yourself to follow through.

14. Think long and hard about what interests you. Crime? Sex? Chinese folklore? Long-forgotten romance etiquette? Find a book about it and read it. There is a book about literally everything.

15. Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment people on their cute clothes. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for an entire day, then two, then a week. Walk with straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so you become friends.

16. Lie in the sunshine and daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t possible. Breathe in, breathe out. Open your eyes and take small steps to make it happen for you.

[9:24:57 PM] Josh Boyd: I can still taste you on my lips
but not my tongue
a few stale cigarettes
and a small amount of weed

your guitar sits in the corner
with a capo on the third fret
you pay your dog more attention than me
and i ask if im too affectionate

because you’re unresponsive
your too busy on your laptop
scrolling through pictures
of pannier bags

my touch goes unnnoticed
and i wonder why i am ever here
I wonder are you numb
or am i dumb

i ask myself why we’re dating
and why you call me “love”
why we even hang out
and why you kiss me when i leave

Fletching arrows for a job isn’t so bad. The repetition is somewhat calming and it goes by fairly quickly. I practice archery as well, so it’s within my interests. Most people these days use vanes instead of feathers. They don’t wear as quickly and are cheaper. I prefer feather myself. Maybe it’s because it’s more traditional, in the sense of world history and my own. I have never shot an arrow with a rubber vane on it, feathers just seem better. There are also many people using triggers or “releases” these days. these make the bow much more accurate and hep one shoot tighter groups, but I feel this is a form of cheating. A way to take the skill out of archery. What’s the point if you’re good when you start? You’ve turned your bow into a gun. You may as well be shooting a crossbow.

My dad loves that I work this job. Archery has brought us closer together once again, and he is proud of me once again. He gives lessons down at the shop I work at, and we chat on the days we both are there. he agrees with me on vane and triggers, thankfully. We both shoot compounds mainly, but for him it’s how he started, and me as well. I hope to pick up a recurve soon and begin shooting those exclusively, but for now a compound bow isn’t so bad.

I quit delivering pizzas for this job. I was tired of hectic nights on driving back and forth. The fletching job does take twenty minutes to get to; but I only have to drive twice, not a dozen times, to work.

I am working to keep myself fed, and to keep gas in my tank to get me to beautiful places too far away for my feet to travel (or rather too far away to reach and be back in time for work). I also am doing my best to save up money for a road trip I am planning for this spring/summer. I have a side job that makes good money, but it only happens occasionally and it’s hard to count on. The side job is that which is mainly fueling the trip. I’ll have to tell my boss soon that I am leaving for the summer, for at least three months. The previous fletcher left for a week and didn’t come back for a few months, so hopefully my honesty will earn a little respect.

I’m doing my best to plan for the road trip, although it is hard to plan something that you want to leave open. I am planning places to go, national parks and the like, but I am not planning what trails to hit once I am there. I figure I will take a look at a map or ask a ranger, better to leave some things open. I am mainly calculating the cost of food and gas. If I should not make enough money for the entire trip, then I will take a shorter one. I have a few training sessions to complete before I venture out again, but I am confident in my abilities to complete them. I need to make sure I can spend a night or three in the wilderness, alone. I need to prove that I can achieve this, and know it even more than theorized thought. I am planning on Veronica joining me up in Portland, if she should be busy I may buy a train pass and that will surely cut on the price of travel by a few hundred dollars. It might be a little more scary traveling by something I cannot turn around at any moment, but it would also be exhilarating.

I recently took a trip down south a few hours to Pinnacles Nat’l Monument. I went alone. I drove about two hours by myself, and hikes for about three to four hours in a new place, unknown to me, alone. I met and waved at a few people on trail, but I was predominantly alone. I was timid, and afraid on the first mile of the trail. Afraid of panic attack seizing me, but I overcame such fear and sauntered on. I arrived back at my car happy and longing for a longer journey. Both on the road and on the trail.

too much blood in the brain
like a garden hose once stuck
you’re not okay
you lost the left and ended up in a bed

i cursed you for not telling me sooner
you came home on a flight
not quick enough
we needed you home

ended up in more white and blue sheets
with a beanie over your eyes
you hid from the light
and barely knew i was there


mistaken for brothers
you walk slow and carefully
forever tired and never hungry
it hurts your head to even speak

please don’t die
id give every pint of my blood
to you
if you should need it

we almost died once
together we almost flew
into a river
i only worried about you

Another too short week of seeing my best friend. He lives in Boise, Idaho now. Whenever that comes up in conversation with people they always ask me “Did he grow up here in California?” Yes, he did. “Why would he go to Idaho?” I usually shrug and move on to other things that matter.

He has had recent trouble with his health. He had some weird occurrence where part of his brain got too much blood and he lost control of half of his body. He has gotten much better lately. He still doesn’t have the same strength he has on his right side, and he can’t feel the left side of his face, but that is much better than not eating and not opening your eyes for fear of another headache.

We hung out, watched some movies, ate some food, and drove around at night. We would hike and run around in the woods, but he didn’t want to mess around in the wet forest with his leg being not too strong. So we mainly stuck to sitting around and talking, and that was perfect.

He’s my best friend. My brother. Without him I don’t hang out with too many people. He’s always been that person that I hang out with all the time. You don’t even call or text each other, you just head across the street and do it. The kind of friend that when you fight and bicker you forget it five minutes later and start discussing the positives and negatives of different weapons in Skyrim.

I do have other friends. His sister (my sister) and I are just as close as me and him are. But, she has work all the time, and we rarely see each other as much as I (or she I hope) would like. My great friend is now my ex-girlfriend and while that hasn’t changed our friendship too much, we hang out and everything’s fine. She has different interests now, she has her own path, and that is totally cool. My other friends have fallen through the cracks, as friends do. Whether it be drugs or even video games they have given in to their vices. I don’t think any less of them for this, but I don’t do those things as much as I used to (drugs not at all) and them being so into them has caused a separation between us.

I miss him.

TL;DR: I’m alone. I’m so very alone. (or is this just a stupid dream and if it is can we make out?)

Fear and panic have ruled my life for the past two years and more. I have been imprisoned by my own mind in my own house. My own area code. I have itched, I have shuffled my feet, and I have shaken. I am aiming to move now. I have broken a few boundaires, but uin truth I have only moved the fence back a bit. It needs to be eradicated. Decimated. Destroyed. It will be.

It is always something. something to hold me back. This time it was the fear of the future. Before it was the fear of death, of falling into a hole I cannot dig myself out of. I have been living in fear of becoming my father. Of being destitute and dishonored and ill. He has come around recently, gotten back up on his feet. Foot. He lost one due to his disregard for his physical well-being which was no doubt a effect of his mental health. I am trying to rid myself of the fear of becoming him, or rather not let it guide me. Let the memory of what he was only remind me what can happen if you don’t pay attention.

I am paying attention.

My mind is set.

I know what I want. I have known it the entire time I have been in this trap.

I am overcoming fear, I am transcending trepedation, I am doing what I need to do to feel true happiness.

To feel like my life isn’t wasted.

As the cold autumn air rushes past my lips and into my lungs a deep longing fills my brain. I am brought back to previous times, years ago. I am brought back to another place, another time, another me.

Motivatioooonnnn

I haven’t worked in just about one year and three months. In January 2010 I was having a rough time. I was hating being in college, hating my job, and my dad who was broke came to live with us for a while and decided he wanted to see me every fucking minute. I needed some time alone, and not just a bike ride around the block. It was eleven or so at night when I said “fuck it” and packed up my backpack with everything I need. Tent, sleeping bag, clothes, food, water bottles, all the necessary supplies. I left a note on my door saying something to the tone of “I’ll be back in a few days”.

     I hopped in my car and started driving towards Mariposa, my old town where I lived before I moved back here to San Jose. It took just under three hours, driving in the rain, to get there. Along the way I texted Isabelle, letting her know I was going to be gone and that if I am gone for more than three days to do something. I found a nice little pocket on the side of a dirt road near my old house and fell asleep in the back seat. I awoke feeling peaceful but uncomfortable, I have a small back seat (I should have known this already since that one time a few years ago me and my girlfriend at the time tried to have sex back there. It was uncomfortable then too).I tried to stretch my legs, realizing I couldn’t I panicked for a quick second. Slight claustrophobia set in and I had to get out. I didn’t rush out or anything, just got out quick. Put on some pants, my parka, and a beanie. I walked around the creek near where I parked. I creek where five years before this I would be swimming in (not in January mind you). Or heading upstream with my neighbor crawling on the rocks and seeing how far we could get. We would try and catch frogs, tadpoles, and swim in that small swimming hole. I was shivering while looking into that river. There was a small bridge to go over in my car, the water ran a few inches onto it, it’s a low bridge, just a pathway over the creek. As I drove up the hill I was quietly hoping my car would make it up this hill, I have had some car issues in the past and this hill is slippery from the rain the past two days. I reached the top of the hill and parked near the sign for Harvest Drive, my old street. Two large sign greet anyone who enters the street. On the left reads “Grape Patch Estates” with a small picture of, you guessed it, some grapes. On the right is a small map of the road with small boxes and numbers correlating to all the houses on the road. 14 in all. Next to the map was a list of all the people living in those numbered boxes, “2. Boyd” “14. Allison”. I used to be number two if you didn’t know my last name, and surprisingly no one else had moved in since my dad sol it three years or so ago. Our name was still up on that board. I walked up to it a little surprised, it’s as if a small piece of me was still here on this wooden board.  I took out my pocket knife, a nice little Gerber blade, and pried that piece of wood with my name on it off that board and threw it into my car. You can’t even say I stole that, it had my name in for fuck’s sake. I walked down into the long gravel driveway of my old house, the rocks crunching underneath my shoes. There were no cars in the driveway and all the curtains were down. I walked around to the back of the house, the curtains were up on this side. I looked inside to see a carpenter’s table covered in plans and pencils. The kind of pencils you sharpen with a blade, construction pencils. They were renovating the place. I didn’t like that very much, there was nothing wrong with this house, except me not being in it, but all the doors were locked.

     I walked back up that driveway to my car. Having flashbacks of driving my quad to the bus stop, I got back into my car. I drove the other way out of Leonard road, the way past my old bus stop. I took a piss behind it and looked to the area where me and Collin used to hide our quads until we got out of school and got to ride them home. I wanted to go to Hite Cove. I place I had only been once with My dad, Collin, and Collin’s dad when we all live here. A beautiful little, well, cove. With a huge swimming hole and a rock to jump off of, fishing down the river a bit, and little beach to eat lunch on. I drove towards Yosemite, albeit not the way we took all those years ago, but I don’t have a quad anymore. I love this highway, driving down the side of a mountain down into a gorgeous valley, only three months later would I have an experience that would make me fear this road intensely. I’ll talk about that later. I got down to the spot where Google Maps told me where to stop.

     I found the trail and started hiking in. It was a gorgeous hike. The first 0.4 miles were privately owned and a few houses and power lines scattered the area. I looked at them in disgust, hoping the river would wash them away some day. Not the houses, they didn’t bother me much. It’s the power lines that aggravated me. I walked past a lady walking her dog and we exchanged a few kind words, she was the last person I would see for a day and a half. Around the first corner I couldn’t hear the howls of the highway anymore. The only sounds I could hear were the birds singing to each other, the wind whistling through the trees, the river rushing through the valley only about a hundred feet below me, maybe two hundred feet actually. The trees were a luscious green on both sides of the valley, although, on the far side of the valley everything was covered with moss. That side of the mountain was facing North and didn’t receive much sun. The moss covered every rock and tree trunk, it was gorgeous. I was walking in the edge of the valley. The trail was only about two feet wide, so if I tripped I could definitely die. I mean, it’s a definite possibility, right? Fall down twenty feet, break my left leg, my backpack goes tumbling down into the river along with all my food, water, and shelter. I could starve to death with the smallest trip. It could happen. I didn’t care though, I was on the top of the world. I walked along the valley’s edge for an hour or so before the elevation of the trail started dropping. I came down to a small beach right next to the river and made myself a small lunch. Some crackers with peanut butter, a few pieces of beef jerky (this was before I was veg) and a whole bunch of water. I smiled at everything. I was like a little kid, fighting imaginary foes while scarfing my lunch. High kick this one, backward punch that one. I was kicking ass, dude. I packed up my food and headed back on the trail. The trail stayed along the river’s side, and even disappeared every once in a while on the rocks. The rocks, oh the rocks. They were amazing, crawling over them I noticed the fine contoured edges in them carved by the river and rain water all these years. I kept walking and started wondering how far I had gone. The map I had looked at said it was only three or four miles in. How long had I been walking for? Whatever, if I get lost I have everything I need right here. I walked under low oak tree branches, they graze my head as I crouch under them. Pieces of machinery are catching my eyes. Old and rusted, most likely old mining machinery. A few people have signed their names with white paint on them, I wish I had brought a paint pen or something, maybe make a nickname for myself akin to ‘Alexander Supertramp’. It’s still wet under these branches and I am starting to seriously wonder if I missed something trail break back somewhere until I come across a small wooden sign with carved words saying ‘Hite Cove’. Yes!

     I came under a few more low branches and beyond them, a small beach next to the river. Hite Cove! This was not the place I had been all those years ago, but that didn’t matter. Hell, it makes this better. I knew what to do. I set down my pack and started to set up my tent, after that I found some dry wood among the wet branches and found and area for my cooking, found a tree to hang all my food and anything else that could attract bears, and after that I went down to the river and collected some water with my ‘kill’ bottle.  I started a fire with some pine needles and tried to keep a fire going. The wood I collected was not dry enough to burn, it’s okay, I had plenty of needles. I boiled enough water to last me until the morning and saved some needles for my dinner later. I continued to fight fake foes, climb as far up the mountain as I could, and play on the rocks near the river. Swimming was not an option in this cold. While playing on the rocks I noticed a bright orange salamander. I had only seen a salamander once in my life. I talked with him for a bit. I told him about my shitty job and my views on the world. I realized that this, this, all of this is why I want to bring down civilization. This is why we have to fight. For this salamander, these trees, these whistling birds, this river. This valley is why we must fight. I also realized how much I dislike my job, so I’m not going back. I’m not quitting, I’m just never going back to work at that place. I left him alone to his own business and started to make my own dinner. I cooked up some simple dehydrated rice and added some pepper. A filling warm supper. I noticed the trail extended a bit past Hite Cove. After walking along it for only two minutes or so it was cut off by a barbed wire fence, at which point I turned back immediately. These area are notorious for illegal grow operations who shoot on sight. When the sun went down I was ready for bed, I didn’t even read today. It was probably only seven or so, that had no meaning here. It was dark, what else can I do? Time for sleep, and I passed out immediately in my mummy bag. I awoke in the morning feeling refreshed and fulfilled, but cold. The sun’s rays of warmth didn’t reach this low into the valley at this early time. I hurriedly collected all my gear and started to hike out. On the hike out I noticed another salamander right in the middle of the trail, I may have pretended it was the one I had seen before, saying goodbye to me.

     As I got into my Chevy Cavalier I smiled. I had thrown my backpack into my back seat and had some water from the river up front with me, the boiled stuff of course. As I drove out of that gorgeous valley I saw a bald eagle flying the opposite direction I was driving. There was a turnout right next to me, and I turned out into it. I had only seen a bald eagle once in my life, and that was through binoculars, this one was only a short distance away in the sky. She was gorgeous, another hawk started flying along side with her. I smiled with an open mouth and had my hands on my head. I felt elation, and joy. This was the best two days I had had in two years.